I'm practicing getting in touch with my feelings. I mean that just as it sounds, though I know it sounds silly.
But you're a writer, you might say. Isn't that all you writers do, feel feelings?
Not this writer. I'm more likely to write my feelings away, until they become nothing more than metaphors, or even to overanalyze them, until they're nothing more than afflictions to overcome. So this is new to me. I'm trying to really sit with my feelings, to honor them, and to settle into how they move through my body.
And guess what? It turns out I'm full of those suckers. Feelings, I mean. Everything from joy to fear to frustration is inside of me somewhere. Maybe I've just been doing too much yoga, but I think sitting with my true feelings is good for me.
I've also tried to avoid being perceived as "bitter." That's another big one. And what does it mean to avoid bitterness? To me, it's meant that every time I've felt unappreciated or unloved, I've internalized that feeling, trying to accept the situation, rather than getting upset about it. Unappreciated? Psh, what have I done to be appreciated? Unloved? Well, I don't deserve love anyway.
You can see how this might wear down on me after a while. So this is me shifting course, based on the idea that I deserve better.
We're near the end of June, which means the end of Pride month. Since some people jokingly refer to Pride month as "Gay Christmas," then maybe this end to the queer holiday season is something like New Year's Day. It's time to take that fully expressed pride in ourselves and turn it inward. It's time for deep reflection, for self-care, for resolving to do all that I can do to live the life I deserve.
The end of June also means the end of our three-month series on self-love at CUAV. But I don't want to stop exploring what it means to show myself care. That means I have to continue making room to love myself, getting rid of those forces in my life that make me feel unworthy. It doesn't mean getting rid of those feelings, though, as uncomfortable as they may be. I'm giving myself permission to feel it all - everything from that awful feeling that I'm unworthy to the more hopeful feeling of self-respect, and all of those wild emotions in between.
And now I leave you with a song that always reminds me to feel it all.